LOVE BEGINS AT 40
Practically everyone whose been in a serious romantic relationship
with all of the deliciously intense and passionate feelings that go with
it, have at one time or another experienced jealousy, which is really
the fear that ---to some degree--- your partner is not being exclusive
to you either physically or emotionally. But it’s what you do with your
feelings of jealousy that can bring you closer together or ultimately
tear your relationship apart.
Jealousy arising from the thought of your loved one with someone else
can trigger many feelings. You may believe your jealousy is an
indicator that you care about your partner. In this case, you see it as a
sign of strength in your relationship; and perhaps it even elicits
romantic feelings. On the other hand, jealousy can trigger feelings of
anger or even intense rage. That rage could be directed toward a person
perceived as the ‘object of your partner’s affections’, your partner or
yourself (in the form of putting yourself down because of your
perception of not “measuring up” to that ‘other person’). In addition,
jealousy can naturally lead to mistrust, which can wreak havoc in every
aspect of your relationship.
One of the biggest problems with your feelings of jealousy is that
they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact, there’s no
guarantee that a relationship will stay intact forever, or that your
partner might not fall for someone else; but jealousy can be the
catalyst in a chain of events that makes one of these possibilities
become a reality.
Handling jealousy requires a look at how much you trust your partner.
The fact is that it’s normal for him or her to find others attractive
from time to time, just as you do, while understanding that this is not
really a threat to the relationship unless acted upon. In other words,
mental exclusivity is a very high, perhaps impossible standard.
Obsessing about this only leads to needless pain.
Overcoming your jealously also requires you to look inside yourself.
If you’re constantly worried by the idea of being compared to others
your partner may find attractive, chances are your self-esteem
could use a boost. Ask yourself where is the evidence that I am not
good enough to withstand the comparison? Is this completely true? One
resource for helping you to overcome these types of negative attitudes
and beliefs about yourself is my book Stage Climbing: The Shortest Path
to Your Highest Potential.
LOVE BEGINS AT 40
Of course, there are some situations where jealousy is a sign that
there is a realistic threat of your partner being involved with others,
despite denials. In this case, jealousy is more or less a wake-up call
and a signal to you either to have a talk with your partner or seek
professional help to overcome what may be a much bigger issue in your
Only you can decide if your jealous is insecurity, or an indication
that something in your relationship needs a closer look. Before
jealousy makes your biggest relationship fears a reality, you have the
power to make a change, either within yourself or with your partner, to
get your relationship back on the right track. And remember, most
people have experienced jealousy at one time or another. It’s what you
do with it that dictates the outcome!